Look. Yeah we're going to keep posting about Tiger Woods because that's the only thing on the news right now. So unless Jeff Goldblum dies in the next twenty minutes or we just fall alseep while writing this post, this is what you're stuck with so just deal.

So far there are SEVEN girls (or NINE, nobody really knows) who have come out and said they banged Tiger Woods. That's a lot of secret phone numbers to keep in your secret iPhone which will eventually make it's way onto the internet so that your secret sexy sext messages and nude pictures will be seen by the world! Respect!

In case you were wondering which of his mistresses is the hottest, we've got that taken care of for you. We're even going to add Elin to the mix because we're worried she'll be jealous (she's suffered enough!). This was a relatively easy task because the girls all have their own look. None of them really look the same. It seems that Tiger's only requirment for banging a girl was that she had a vagina - that's it! So here we go...

8. Florida waitress, Mindy Lawton. She looks like one of our alcoholic neighbors. "WUD YOU LIKKKE MEE TOOO SEDUSH UUUUUUUUUUU!"

7. Rachel Uchitel. This an old photo of her. In her new photos she looks like this, but more plastic. And less like her lips are made of liver.

6. Don't know what Tiger saw in Jaimee Grubbs. We guess it's kind of cool that she was in Tool Academy. Wait. No we don't. There is nothing redeaming about this chick besides her taste in short red clothes. Moving on.

5. Porn star Holly Sampson. Now we're talking. Now we understand why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife: Elin obviously hated gay people. Holly Sampson supports gay people so much she's willing to wear a rainbow bikini on her boobs. That could be the only reason why he'd sleep with a porn star, right? RIGHT!?!

(click here to see the rest of the list)

4. Nightclub hostess Kalika Moquin. We like Kaika, even though we laugh every time we say her name. Really. Who names a girl Kalika if she doesn't fly out of the womb sporting a huge wart on her chin and a babushka on her head?

3. Jaimee Junger is some sort of "Las Vegas model". We don't know if this is code word for a prostitute or that she does  in fact, just model things like crappy motorcycles. It doesn't matter really. As our list winds down, these girls are clearly getting hotter and our faith in Tiger Woods is slowly being restored.

2. We just feel sorry for Tiger's wife Elin Nordegren. Not for the whole cheating thing, but because it's been over a week since this whole thing blew up and we still cannot pronounce her name. The first one to provide us with the proper pronounciation gets a hand written note stating the reasons why you're so awesome. That said, Elin = wicked hot.

1. We don't know much about Cori Rist. They met at a NYC club, but that doesn't matter. Cori's wearing a Hooters t-shirt and her boobs look ike they were hand-sculpted by God. And look at that smile. That's the most adorable smile in the whole entire world. That smile says, "Yes, I'll bang a lanky nerd who plays golf, and maybe, someday, I'll even bang you!" Adorable + Too Hot + Hooters + Blonde + Looks Like She'll Bang Even Nerds = Best Mistress In The Entire World.

What do you think of this ranking? We're pretty correct, right? If not, how would you rank Tiger Woods' mistresses?